When I write, I do it to help my own process and to entertain, because making people laugh is pretty much the best thing in the whole world.
Today, I don't feel like being funny. You know that feeling you get when your soul feels like it is physically on fire because you are so aggrieved and/or hurt and/or stabby? I have that in spades today. I could give you an outline of all my internal organs because my feelings are so visceral.
As I told Princess Consuela, "I have rage in my soul," and she suggested we name our band that. T-shirts are in the works.
Typically, I would not deal with this online for all the world to see, because it's not nearly as fun to read about gross feelings as it is embarrassing stories. However, the whole point of all this is that I am tired of keeping silent.
I wrote a while back about the idea of shame and how damaging it is (if I remember to, I'll put a link in the comments, but I probably won't). Being a people pleaser, with a very external locus of control, I'm often impacted by shame, real and/or perceived, so it shouldn't be a surprise that I have more to say on the subject.
I'm frequently shamed for who I am. Let's look at the facts - I'm fat, I don't put effort in to my appearance often, I'm loud and opinionated, I'm emotional, I often take up more space than allotted, I wear a sock monkey hat on a regular bases, and the list goes one. I am not dainty, I am not put together, I am not demure, I am not traditionally attractive, I rarely say the right thing, and, boy howdy, does that piss society off.
"But Anna, we live in a society that is liberated and women are free to be what they want and look how they want. Society is so much more progressive now, you're behind the times, this isn't the 1950s!"
Well, not totally. You are correct it is not the 1950s, I stand corrected. But as to the rest, BULL SHIT.
I am shamed by friends and strangers alike. People often think I can't hear them in places like the grocery store. Friends think what they say doesn't get back to me. A look communicates so loudly you might as well yell.
It's exhausting and makes me heart sick.
And I'm sick of it. For myself and for others like me who aren't even in the same room as society's mold. It's total crap. If your perfect life is so unsettled by who I am that you have to communicate it directly or indirectly, then go away. I'm tired of being the one running. I'm tired of pretending I can't hear or see. And I bet others are too.
I am awesome. I'm gut-laughingly funny, I'm bright, I love fiercely, I have eyebrows to die for, and skin so great people want to make me into a trendy vest.
I am also deeply loved. I have people who are so affirming in my life, it's almost aggressive. But the reason I can't stay silent anymore? Because the negativity people who don't fit in face is so loud, it is so damn hard to hear the positive.
Shaming people doesn't just effect the people who are the direct recipients, but their loved ones. My husband has to deal with the me rejecting compliments about my body because I often hear things like, "oh wow, are you sure you want to take a picture next to her?"
So stop. Just stop. Leave us alone. Leave alone people who are overweight or have bad skin. The people who are socially awkward. The people who love Pokemon way past the appropriate age. Shame is so damaging, and whatever the goal is, it is not achieving any positive outcome. You telling me I'm fat isn't going to magically inspire me to lose weight.
And you. Yes, you. The person who understands what it is like to hate parts of yourself because society says you should. STOP IT. You are so wonderful. I would much rather hear about your weird obsession with comic books than about the newest trick for applying eyeliner. Unless that's truly your thing, then I want to hear about. Embrace your quirks, your looks, your attitude. You are an inspiration, deal with it.
Being shamed is awful. But the worst is when it translates into shaming yourself. I've been letting myself be eaten up by shame the last few weeks, for various reasons from various sources. And the tragedy is, it's my fault for letting them win.
So no more. I'm delightful. If that bothers you, I don't care. If it inspires you, wonderful. And if you ever need someone to speak louder than all the shaming bull shit in society, I'm your girl.