Monday, July 20, 2015

Public Indecency

I study at a Starbucks that has an abnormal amount of odd shenanigans go down on a regular bases. I was there this past Sunday, staring blankly at my computer, trying to start a paper, when the oddest of them all happened.

I looked up when the door opened and came eye to eye with the scariest woman I've ever seen in my life. This is saying a lot as I regularly attend Comic Con. There was something about the combination of her intense hawk like features, day-glo make-up, and witch like (complete with corset and multi layer black skirt) attire that made me look away rapidly. However, I couldn't keep my eyes away, it was like a train wreck. Or a voodoo curse. I covertly watched this fascinating woman and her husband interact, which involved a lot of yelling on her part and a lot of ignoring and phone playing on his.

Suddenly, the door flew open and I was corrected because now the scariest woman in the world had just walked in. Like Yzma scary.


ACK. I mean. It's like I got a picture (which I tried to do for reals, but then decided it wasn't worth risking my life). 

Judging from the similar, shaking-in-my-boots inducing facial features and almost identical cobwebby attire the mother of the first woman had just joined us. 

She. Was. Terrifying. 

If I though there was yelling before, I was incorrect. The daughter is obviously early on in her shrill, bossy training.

At this point, the two women were conversing (or declaring war it was hard to tell) and the son-in-law/husband came back over with Frappuccinos for everyone. Smart man. Sugar, chocolate, that's always a solid approach to peace keeping. Or so we both woefully, wrongfully thought.



Not-Yzma: "What's this, Kronk?" (Fine, she didn't say Kronk, but I practically felt it)

Son-in-law: "A Frappuccino. I thought you'd like it, it's good."

Not-Yzma: "I wanted coffee."

Son-in-law: "Oh, I think it is coffee, it's just really sweet."

Not-Yzma: "You think it's coffee?" Takes a sip. "Pah! This is not coffee, I wanted coffee."

And then. And then.... and then, I kid you not, she threw the Frappuccino on the ground. The whole thing. KA-PLOW. With the vigor of a 1,000 angry hornets. 

I think all of the air was sucked out of the room when we all gasped (obviously I hadn't been the only one watching). 

And, I cannot tell a lie, her scary doppelganger just kept filling her nails, nor did Yzma or Kronk realize all of the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. This is obviously a common coping skill.  

At this point I realize I'm not even a little bit covering up the fact that I'm watching the spectacle, eyes wide, mouth hanging open and all, so I scramble to busy myself on my computer before I get caught in the cross fire of crazy.

The son-in-law is hurrying to get something to clean up the mess when the other daughter (or so I can guess from the eyes filled with mild insanity) shows up and drops her four children off and leaves.

A few minutes later and total chaos is reigning. The first woman is loudly watching a music video on her phone, the mother is yelling at the oldest child, the son-in-law is trying to help clean, the two youngest are running around like pin balls, and the fourth child is hiding under my table.

I leaned down and said, "I don't blame you. Stay as long as you'd like."

What's the weirdest thing that's happened to you in a public place?