Tuesday, March 11, 2014

America's Most Wanted

Last night I got pulled over while driving home from school, which is on the top ten list of worst feelings ever. This is exceptionally true for me because I, a) have weird authority issues and instacry when I'm in trouble, and b) I have an incredibly on edge nervous system that makes it hard for me to think rationally in stressful situations...

I'm waiting at a red light when I notice that a policeman has pulled up behind me. Instant thought process, even though the lights are not even on yet - oh man, cops make me nervous. I need to drive super carefully now. I hope I haven't already done something wrong. I hope I don't have some unknown arrest warrant out for me for some unknown crime I don't remember committing. Oh man. I don't want to go to jail, I don't look good in orange. Oh man. Oh man. The light turns green, and I turn left. Now, most times this is when the policeman will drive around you and go about his merry way protecting society from evil doers. He stayed behind me.

I changed lanes.

He changed lanes.

Oh crap. Oh crap. He is going to pull me over. I don't even know what I did. Why? Why me? WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!

His lights come on.

BEATRICE WE ARE GETTING PULLED OVER. PULLED OVER. BY THE POLICE. WE'RE TOO PRETTY TO DIE!! (this part may have been said out loud...)

At this point, the afore mentioned hyper sensitive nervous system has careened to 100% instantaneously. I start shaking so bad that my seatbelt locks up and I start flailing about because I am stuck. This also goes hand in hand with my brain short circuiting, as I imagine how my family will go on without me while I rot away in prison.

The incredibly nice cop walks over and I just stare at him shaking like a Chihuahua.

"I'm Officer so and so with the blah blah police department and I pulled you over tonight because you ran the stop sign back at the seminary."

Blink. Blink. "Oh. Okay. Yes." Stare some more.

"Well, I need your license, insurance, and registration."

Blink. Shake. Twitch. Blink. Panicky, rapid fire voice. "I, um, don't have, um my driver's license. It's in my trunk. She's a very small car, it can be hard to find places to put things like purses. But obviously I should have put it on my seat. But I didn't. It's in my trunk. I don't have it."

"How about your insurance and registration?"

I frantically fling myself to my glove compartment and start throwing things out of it. "I have no idea where anything is. She's a new car to me and I don't know my way around, but I do have insurance and I promise she's registered to me. I promise. Hold on. Promise." I'm shaking so bad at this point that all of the papers in my little folder holder thing are rattling. I end up handing him the whole folder. "I'm sorry, I'm just too nervous and I don't know where anything is, but you do this all the time so I'm sure you know what papers you are looking for, so I'm just going to hand you this whole folder."

"Uh huh. Alright. Well. I'll be right back"

So then I sit. And sit. And sit. Yup. Yup. I'm going to jail. No way around it.  He probably things I'm a criminal. Maybe I am a criminal. Well, it's been a good run cruel world.  And then the tears I've been fighting explode every where. By the time he walks back, I have make-up and snot all over my face, and I am doing that shuttering, lip quivering, try-to-pull myself together move.

"Uh. Are you ok?" Sniveling nod, while I wipe my eyes.  "I am just going to give you a warning, next time pay attention to all stop signs."
 
"Oh. Thank goodness. I'm so sorry. It's really Beatrice's fault, she's just so zippy."

He just stares at me. Hands me my folder. Walks away.

I feel 95% sure I didn't get a ticket because he was worried about my sanity. And also why I usually get out of tickets, with gems like so:

"I hate the DMV. That's why I still have a Colorado license. Don't you hate the DMV? DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?!? I CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT PLACE." - Didn't get a ticket.

After a cop pulled me over for honking my horn for like 2 minutes at another driver and asked me if it had been totally necessary: "How do you define necessary? I don't think it would have killed me not to honk my horn so intensely, but I was really, really mad and sometimes I have bad coping mechanisms. Kind of like when I get pulled over and I start crying. See? Here comes the crying." - Didn't get a ticket.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT CLASS I AM GOING TO BECAUSE YOU'VE JUST RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER. LIFE RUINER!!!!" - Didn't get a ticket (all though I was forced to walk around until I calmed down)

"Oh, I am so sorry" and other calm, polite replies. Got a ticket.




2 comments:

Kelly said...

You're such an amazing storyteller...we should write children's books together. I mean, you'll have to do most of the work, but I'll be really supportive.

Anna Kristine said...

Done and done! We'd make a heck of a team... You'd have to do all the child wrangling since I just tend to stare at them in an alarmed fashion....